People like to invite me over for a cup of coffee. However, I don’t drink coffee, tea, hot chocolate or basically any beverage that is hot.

How about a glass of water?

I have a functioning tap right here.

Soda then?

I have a good supply right here.

We also have beer?

Not much of a beer drinker. Single Malt Scotch is more my thing (Aberlour, BenRiach, Glendronach, Glenfarclas, Tomatin, among others).

Pick whatever Scotch you like, we’ll arrange it

BenRiach 25 year old (not Authenticus), or Tomatin 30 year old, and I get to keep the bottle. That buys you an hour of my time at a venue near my current place of employment (that you arrange).

That’s pretty expensive

More expensive than an entry-level Scotch, maybe, but rather unimpressively priced on the grand scale.

Last time I checked. The BenRiach is about €200 and the Tomatin about €300. It’s not like I’m asking you to buy a bottle of Brora or Port Ellen (those start at around €1700 last time I checked).

Dude, forget about the drink, we’re just trying to be friendly because we want to talk to you

I am well aware of the subtext of the phrase “let’s have coffee”, I’m being intentionally obtuse.

But if you’re really that desperate to talk to me but not desperate enough to buy me slightly expensive Scotch, then you can also buy me lunch at the Broodbode in Deventer, with the caveat that I might be distracted by the deliciousness of said lunch.

Remember to tip them generously. They’re nice people.