Are you absolutely 100% convinced that the job you have is perfect for me, and that I absolutely must talk with you?

  1. You’re probably delusional
  2. If not, you can use the below checklist to see if you’re correct

The Checklist

I’m not interested in “we can match most of this”. None of this is negotiable.

If you answer no to any question you can stop right there and not bother contacting me.

  1. The current date is before the 1st of January 2023 (after that you can consider this list outdated)
  2. You are employed by the company that wants to hire me (i.e. they pay your salary, not your invoices)
  3. The company that wants to hire me is located in central Twente (i.e. I can walk or bike there), or wants me to work fully remote (forever)
  4. The job title is cooler than “Senior Software Developer”
  5. The company that wants to hire me is not a defense contractor
  6. The company that wants to hire me is not a company that creates or supports any sort of surveillance technology
  7. The company that wants to hire me is unrelated to the tobacco industry
  8. The company that wants ot hire me is not a social media company
  9. The company that wants to hire me is not a direct competitor to my current employer
  10. The company’s internal communication is in Dutch, English or a mix of both
  11. The job requires me to develop software using either Java 17 (or higher) or Kotlin
  12. The acronyms JSP and JSF are either unknown in your company, or never used
  13. The job’s main focus is not mobile app development
  14. The job is for 32 hours a week 1
  15. The job does not require me to work on Wednesdays, ever
  16. Fewer than 2 members have quit the team you want me to work in in the past year
  17. The job includes at least 30 days of paid vacation (based on fulltime employment) 2
  18. The company is offering a permanent employment contract
  19. The company is willing to offer a monthly salary that starts with at least a 6 (in Euros, based on full-time employment, and assuming 4 digits in case you’re a smartass)
  20. This salary is not maxed out in any way, and will increase when my performance is considered adequate
  21. This salary will be increased annually to compensate for inflation
  22. On top of that the company pays at least 8% holiday pay
  23. In addition to this salary the company provides a good pension, and pays at least 50% of the employee costs
  24. The contract includes a clause that exempts me from any standby duty for all of eternity
  25. The company supplies a powerful laptop that can be carried in a backpack without injuring my back (to give you an idea, €4000 is sufficient to buy such a device)
  26. This laptop is not a Macbook
  27. On this laptop I can install whatever flavor of Linux I feel is best for the job
  28. The company supplies a new laptop every 3 years
  29. Any social event the company organises is optional
  30. Work hours are flexible. If I want to start at 10AM one day and 6AM the other then this is fine
  31. Overtime is extremely rare, and either paid or “time for time” without an expiration date, even if it’s just 15 minutes
  32. Any activities outside of normal work hours are optional, and do not influence performance reviews in any way
  33. Your company uses IntelliJ IDEA as IDE for Java or Kotlin development
  34. Your company does not expect me to engage in pair programming, except for short periods of time
  35. Your company trusts its employees 3

Frequently asked questions

The above list may yield some questions, below are the most common ones

Do you honestly expect any company to meet all these demands?

Not really, though I’d love to be wrong. The above list represents what would be a significant improvement over my current compensation and perks. I am happy at my current job, so if you’re offering less than the above you’re not offering me something I don’t already have.

Do you hate social events with colleagues?

Not at all, I generally enjoy those. Many of my current friends I met through work, and those events helped. The key is that these events should be optional. And I’ve seen too many examples of these events being labelled as optional until you don’t attend.

Would you be willing to exchange some of the above items with a company car?

No.

Did we mention it’s a Tesla?

That would be a nice perk (assuming it’s not a white one. I don’t like white cars), but not in exchange for anything on my checklist.

Why not a Macbook?

I’ve used a Macbook for development in the past, as well as a Mac Mini for iOS development. Let’s just say Macs and I don’t get along.

Wouldn’t it be better if you just become a freelancer?

If I ever grow tired of my current job I just might.

You don’t like pair programming?

No, I do not, for many reasons I will not elaborate here.


































Footnotes

  1. I expect this to be treated as an average. If I happen to only work 30 hours one week I don’t expect to get any complaints about it. I will ensure that on a yearly basis my average number of hours worked per week is equal to or exceeds 32 hours. ↩

  2. Some companies offer “unlimited vacation time”. This is a red flag to me, as it usually means employees are pressured to take as little vacation as possible. If unlimited vacation time is your policy then your contract better specify a lower limit of 30 ↩

  3. One company I worked at had serious trust issues with its employees. Leave after the manager thinks you’ve done exactly 8 hours of work (when in fact it’s closer to 9)? You must be slacking. Call in sick a little more often than average? Get an inspector at your door within an hour every time you call in sick. If this is you, then fuck you and fuck your company. ↩





































































































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